Want her to take the initiative next time? Put her in the right mood, and she’ll do the work for you.
Why is that?
“This comes from many things, but one of them is that women are afraid that if they step out of traditional gender roles, they won’t be seen, accepted, and appreciated as feminine being,” says psychologist and relationship expert Tracy Thomas, Ph.D.
“It also becomes another area where she could potentially fail, and be rejected—and most women are terrified of being rejected,” he says.
“You want to get her in the mood—make her horny—but what does that mean?” Thomas says. “What you really want is to make her feel like it’s safe for her to let go, like she can surrender to her sexual desires.” (Want to know if she’s already aroused? Here are 5 Things That Secretly Make Her Horny.)
Here are five tips to get her in the mood, so much so, that she’ll come onto you.
Seduction starts long before any clothes come off, notes relationship expert April Masini of AskApril.com.
“Women are a lot slower to warm up, so if you start their engines early and often, you’re more likely to score later,” she says.
If you want her to be in the mood later, start foreplay (or, well, a PG-13-rated version of it) in the morning, before you leave for work.
Don’t overdo it—the idea is to plant a seed in her mind and leave her wanting more, not annoy her with over-the-top romance while she’s trying to do her makeup.
Keep it up throughout the day with a short, strategically-timed text message or phone call, and by the time you get home she’ll be ready to jump you.
HELP HER DE-STRESS
This shouldn’t come as a surprise, but it’s hard for her to get in the mood when she’s under a mountain of stress.
“When we’re under stress, we’re primarily designed to not seek out pleasure,” Thomas says. “It’s a survival instinct. Something is wrong, so we have to fix it!”
It sounds simple enough, but Thomas says the key is to help her de-stress in a constructive way—not just help her check off boxes on her endless to-do list.
“If she says she can’t relax because she has to clean the bathroom, that’s not necessarily your cue to clean the bathroom,” Thomas explains. “It probably wouldn’t hurt, but once you’re done she’ll remember that she has to clean the kitchen, and so forth. It’s less about cleaning the house, and more about helping her see that a clean house doesn’t need to take priority over the relationship.”
So pursue that track with her—you’re happy to clean up once you’ve had some quiet time with her.
CHOOSE YOUR BATTLES
Arguments don’t make for a very sexy atmosphere (unless you’re in a movie), so would it kill you to just let it go?
“Being right is sometimes the obstacle to being happy, and often the obstacle to romance,” Masini explains. “If there’s the potential for argument on the table, just ask yourself if this really is the hill you want to die on.”
Obviously, if you’re arguing about something important—such as your relationship—it’s another story.
But if it’s just a heated discussion about politics, or world peace, or pirates versus ninjas, then giving in to her point of view, at least temporarily, will do wonders for keeping her in the mood.
PICK UP ON HER CUES
You want her to initiate sex more often? Don’t shut her down when she tries—even if her attempt is pretty half-assed.
“The first time, or times, she initiates, she’s going to be nervous that you might reject her,” Thomas says. “For the most part, women are not used to being rejected when it comes to sex, so it’s really important that you do not, under any circumstances, give any indication that she needs to do it better, or initiate more often when she’s in the middle of initiating.”
It’s basic behavioral conditioning, Thomas explains: She initiates, you are super-positive about that, and she’ll do it again and again.
MAKE HER PLEASURE A PRIORITY
Be generous in bed, and you will find that sexual success is yours, Masini explains.
“She wants to feel good in bed, and if she does, she’ll want to please you—and have more sex,” she says.
If you haven’t figured out what she likes in bed, you should make that a priority, stat! Luckily, it’s as simple as asking her, providing you ask her when you’re not between the sheets.
“If you think she’s holding back, coax it out of her by opening the conversation when you’re not in bed,” Masini suggests. “That way, she’ll feel like the pressure is off.” Ultimately, your goal is to have as much sex as possible, Masini says.
“It sounds stupid, but the more sex you have, the more sex you’ll have. It’s a lot easier for her to be in the mood to initiate when sex is a regular part of your lives,” he says.