1. Be inflexible about English.
Never mind the fact that you’re on foreign soil. Everyone knows Americans are heralded abroad. Bonus points if you only speak English in the accent of the country that you’re in. Lit-rally luv that for them.
2. Give them local recommendations.
The fact that you’ve only been in town for three hours? Unimportant, they don’t know what they’re missing.
3. Do everything possible to only meet other Americans abroad.
Oh, you’re doing a semester in London and you live in New Jersey the rest of the year? Exotic!
4. Lean into hyper-specific local English lingo.
If you don’t know what “full send” means...woof. Dunno where you’ve been, but...that sucks.
5. If all else fails, communicate in *only* emoji.
Regardless of local culture, everyone knows what ???????????????? means. (That you’d like to meet up for coffee in a park, obviously.)
6. Constantly steer the conversation back to how much of a nightmare your flight was.
“You haven’t seen America until you’ve flown Spirit to Newark. All the locals do that.”
7. Demand that they only meet you in the U.S.
It doesn’t matter that you’re in Barcelona today, you’ll be back in Connecticut in a week, and if they’re not willing to meet you halfway (aka all the way, on your territory, on your turf), they must just be using you.
8. If the conversation goes awry, pretend you’ve been waiting for the rest of your tour group to show up this whole time.
What personalized service! Five stars on TripAdvisor, of course! *Am* I into polyamory? Hmm, where’s the rest of the group though?
9. Ask repeatedly if the tap water is safe to drink.
Truly, the best icebreaker. Even better on the third or fourth deployment with the same person too. Try it yourself! You’ll see what I mean.
10. If all goes well, the morning after, assume you’ve now found a local tour guide for the rest of your trip.
Wake them up, bright-eyed and bushy-tailed, with a full itinerary of where you’ll both be spending the next 13 days together.
11. Eat only prepackaged chocolate pudding manufactured in Poughkeepsie à la Charlotte from the Sex and the City movie.
Shitting your pants on the walk from the shower to your hotel room is par for the course, really.
12. Make your only cultural frame of reference animated movies.
Walt Disney was really looking out, TBH.
13. Show your sophistication by constantly being underwhelmed by the magnificent works of art in town.
“They really sell you on a pointier Eiffel Tower in the photos, by the way. Also, the Mona Lisa was just not very big.”
14. Demand that they pay for everything because of the “exchange rate.”
Is it in our favor or theirs today? Who knows!
15. Remember the ABCs: Always Be Changing (your origin story).
Before noon, you’re from New York City; in the evenings, you hail from Hollywood; at 10:36 p.m., you’re from Texas. If anyone calls you out, say they’re all really close to each other and scoff at them for not knowing U.S. geography.
16. Constantly bring up Brexit regardless of what country you’re in.
Do the Balinese have strong feelings on Brexit? I’m sure they do, if asked.
Shitting your pants on the walk from the shower to your hotel room is par for the course, really.
12. Make your only cultural frame of reference animated movies.
Walt Disney was really looking out, TBH.
13. Show your sophistication by constantly being underwhelmed by the magnificent works of art in town.
“They really sell you on a pointier Eiffel Tower in the photos, by the way. Also, the Mona Lisa was just not very big.”
14. Demand that they pay for everything because of the “exchange rate.”
Is it in our favor or theirs today? Who knows!
15. Remember the ABCs: Always Be Changing (your origin story).
Before noon, you’re from New York City; in the evenings, you hail from Hollywood; at 10:36 p.m., you’re from Texas. If anyone calls you out, say they’re all really close to each other and scoff at them for not knowing U.S. geography.
16. Constantly bring up Brexit regardless of what country you’re in.
Do the Balinese have strong feelings on Brexit? I’m sure they do, if asked.