Find Yourself And Transform Your Life

 George Bernard Shaw once said that, life was not always to Find Yourself. Life is about Creating Yourself.

It’s one of those things that became famous largely because it was true. The challenge though—is that this takes more work than I think most people are prepared to give. That’s how it was for me, anyway.

We spend years—I spent years—thinking that if only I could “find” myself, then I would be ready to go. That, somehow at that stage, I would win.

But the difference in finding yourself and creating yourself is that one of those two methods takes work. Lots of work.

To Find yourself is a lucky coincidence. Creating yourself is hours of work and a never ending process of self-improvement—especially if you want a life of mastery.

Maybe that’s why it wasn’t until I came across this famous quote that I really started to push myself forward.

So how does one succeed, then, if finding yourself is a lost cause? They all boil down to a few similar traits.

1: Start with your ideal dream

Imagine for a moment that someone was holding a Million-Dollar Giveaway! A grand event where one lucky winner would receive, literally, one million dollars (after taxes!), completely free of charge. If you won that money and had no taxes to pay on it and there were no strings attached, your life would immediately change. And for the better.

Now that you no longer have to focus on an income, what would you do with the rest of your life? What is it that you would be, do, or become, if you already had that million dollars?

Think about it…

I ask this, because that’s the dream state, your ideal life…and believe me, you would still do SOMETHING because that’s where fulfillment comes from for humans.

Now that you know what that is you would do if you already had that million dollars – you break it down into manageable steps.

Here is an example: in my case I have decided that winning a great prize for my writing (like the Nobel Prize for Literature, and a Pulitzer) are my ideal goals—my dream state/life.

The steps I have taken first and foremost are working each and every day on my dream…

I write…

I research…

I talk about my book…

I dream about my book…

So far it has inspired me…The amazing thing is, this book doesn’t even exist. It’s only in my head. But it inspires me. I have caught fire.

2: “Hold the vision; trust the process”

That above quote is the next step. Keep the dream alive in your mind and in your heart. Let it evoke powerful emotions in you. Post it up on your wall. Make a vision board.

This is key, because you have to view your outcome as inevitable.

Once you have made it inevitable in your mind, you will be able to withstand the process. Usually, it’s a trial by fire. Part of the reason for this is because this new dream state for you is just that: a new state, a new way of being. This means you have to change from the person you were, into the person you would like to be.

Why is that hard? Think of it this way: I have a theory that says people don’t want to be told what to do—even if it works—they want their own way to succeed.

This means that even if I said do x,y, and z and you’ll win, you will likely only do the parts that are consistent with who you already are as a person.

Most people won’t change who they are until the need becomes so great they see no other choice. That’s why the trial by fire has to happen.

As they say, we learn more from pain than from pleasure. We learn more from our failures than from our successes.

You also learn more from creating yourself than from finding yourself. Plus, what if the person you found wasn’t one that you aspired to be—wasn’t one that you liked? Then what?

Hands down, now that I know the secret of creating self, I’ll choose creating yourself over the act to find yourself every day of the week.

A crucible is the steel container that holds molten gold together into a form so that the designer can create whatever they like. You are the designer. Well, you CAN be. You may not be at this moment. But at some point, the crucible has to come. The heat of the fire is the heat to transform. To stay the course means to be able to take the heat and let it transform you.

Good luck!

How to Flirt - According to the Experts

 To some people—the mightiest daters among us—flirting comes as naturally as breathing. These god-like individuals see someone they like, waltz over to speak with them, and before they know it, they’ve got their number. However, the rest of us mere mortals are not on the same level, and so it’s going to take work. 

Luckily, learning how to flirt is easy and experts like T. Joel Wade, James Laidler, and Mac Stanley Cazeau are on the case, delving into how you can get this art form right. And, they told us everything they know.

Science Behind Flirting

New research led by Wade revealed which methods of competitive flirting are the most effective at gaining one's attention. The study showed that so-called "tie-signs" were the best nonverbal way of attracting a new special someone. “Tie-signs are actions that suggest to a perceiver that there is a bond between the individuals,” Wade explains. Put simply, actions that let others know you have your eye on a person are likely to be effective. He adds, “These work because most individuals do not want to be labeled mate poachers, i.e. people who steal other people’s mates.”

While the research looked at heterosexual relationships (specifically how women can attract men) its findings may also apply to same-sex relationships. “The behaviors in this research show broad similarity to those between people of the same sex and for people who are gender non-conforming, But they only happen when the setting is safe for those people. That is typically private events with other LGBTQ+ people or queer spaces, like gay bars, for example,” says Laidler.

Nonverbal Flirting Techniques

Ready to flex your flirtatious muscles and get out there? Whether you’re looking for someone to take you down the aisle or something more casual, the first step is letting them know that you’re into them. Based on Wade’s research, let's take a look at some of the best nonverbal flirting techniques and why they might just work. 

Use appropriate touch.

When you’re chatting to that special someone, gently touching their arm could let them know that you’re interested. “Touching them can be effective because it signifies to others that a bond is being, or has been, formed,” explains Wade. 

Cazeau adds, “Touch also releases the hormone oxytocin that helps you feel bonded with one another. The more touch that takes place, the closer you feel to one another. Most importantly, ensure to keep consent in mind when touching other people.” 

Make and hold eye contact.

If someone catches your eye when you’re out, there’s no harm in letting them see that. “Eye contact serves as an acknowledgment that I am checking you out, and would love to approach you for a conversation,” explains Cazeau. “When someone is flirting, eye contact also tends to be more intense and more frequent.” 

If you’re looking to turn up the figurative heat between you and the other person, holding eye contact for longer than usual could be the way to go. “Sustained eye contact can lead to feelings of love and sustaining eye contact with the target person draws their attention away from the others,” says Wade.

Give them a hug.

If the timing is right and they’re open to it, lean in for a hug. This is a quick way to make a connection with someone new, and it’s all thanks to a little thing called science. “Hugging releases oxytocin, which bonds individuals,” explains Wade. “So, the target person’s attention is drawn away from the competitors.” 

Get between them and the rival.

So, the person you’ve got your eye on is talking to someone else, what do you do? In this scenario, you have two options: You can let the pair continue their chatter and stand on the sidelines or you can jump right in and insert yourself into the conversation.

“Prior research shows that drawing the attention away from the competitor is a vital part of mate manipulation, a strategy for intrasexual mating competition,” explains Wade. “Mate manipulation includes isolating the mate to remove them from being considered by rivals.”

However, expert opinions differ on whether this rather pushy tactic is the way to go. While the research suggests that it could be an effective nonverbal flirting technique, Cazeau explains that it could give off the wrong vibe entirely. “Butting in is not effective as it can come across as aggressive and unwelcomed,” he says. 

React to their jokes.

Picture the scene: You’re chatting with someone you’re into and they keep cracking jokes. Don’t play coy. Laugh out loud and let them know you find them hilarious. “Giggling at their jokes can be effective because laughter indicates liking which could also draw the attention away from the competitor,” says Wade.

“Humor is one of the most desirable traits when seeking a mate,” adds Cazeau. This simple sign shows a potential partner what you’re thinking. “Giggling at one’s joke states that you find them funny, interested, and they feel heard and validated. Furthermore, having a shared sense of humor speaks to compatibility.”